Give me the key.

I don’t have it. There are days when I want my own space, but then again, where is that space supposed to be. I have lived from a backpack for so long it almost feels suffocating to be stationary for too long. My meditation practice doesn’t always help, and I lose sight of my practices, internal and external with the onslaught of new events, booze, and sleeping in.

I feel guilt for not knowing at times and remind myself that my path is one of creation. Could I get a job? Yes. I could. I could work for someone else and make money, but what is the point of that– I am surviving without mindless jobs.

Having a stable location would possibly help me find out if getting a 9-5 job would help me understand that the key is inside me, but I believe the real issue is existing between non-purpose and true purpose.

The key is probably so simple. It is probably just sitting there invisible right in front of me, with every breath of gratitude and awareness, yet I am programmed and conditioned to not turn it.



Life After Basketball? More of the stuff that my basketball path taught me.


The illusion of money and happiness and suffering spin me around and I prefer to feel happiness and gratitude, so why is it that I feel suffering or pain or sadness every morning before the day starts and I can begin anew?

Basketball has created a path for me. It has cleared away fiscal debt and years of success and identity, but now as I look behind me I see a forest I already walked through and in front of me, I see a desert I don’t know in which direction to walk.

A mirage shakes in the distance and my legs stumble. I go back to doing things that make me recognize my old self. A coaching lesson here. A basketball tip here. I smile and think of my old self and feel brave and stupid for trying to move on from something I was.

But the work became heavy. It became hard on my body. My ankles cracked and swelled every morning. I had won everything I wanted to win.

What else is there? Money? The challenge of being a basketball player?

The betrayal of one professional European club lead to the idea of retirement and logically it made sense. One day I want to run with my kids, I want to climb mountains, I want to let go.

Letting go isn’t easy, starting over isn’t easy, but I know it starts with having the key and turning it as often as you can.

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